my words im leaving behind on saturday september 22 2018

stop being
ANGRY!
not worth
ENERGY!

***

previously owned: keurig coffee maker
it broke – stopped working
replaced it: ninja coffee maker
why not: another keurig?
not sure
guessing: psuedo espresso mode
love it.
today
missed the keurig
because: easy

***

wouldn’t it be fun
if grocery stores
the big ones
like walmart supercenters
allowed everyone who wanted
an electric cart to motor about the isles?
we would have to have
shopping cart police
and install traffic lights
the thought of traffic lights
in walmart
strikes me funny
no horns on the carts
that would be a nightmare

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morning pages 9-21-18

TIMER BEGIN 00:20:00

I’ve decided to do what Julia Cameron says and that is to write your morning pages and she specifically states that it should be three pages, notebook pages handwritten. Well im updating it and will be writing nonstop for 20 minutes. I think that is good enough for me and it doesnt have to make sense and there is no sense of direction it is considered to be an emptying out and a stream of conciionness and in my case probably a stream of unconconsience and it doesnt matter what and there is no regards to grammar and it should be one large run on sentence when im done its about emptying the words and getting the cobwebs out so that you can right something for real after you do this but im not sure its always so rough to get going and i need to have an ending in mind that is why i dont want to write im a lazy writer just write it out and lay it down and take some paint thinner and strip it all down to the bare necessities and see where on this earth you can find a good solid tree and the rainbows that touch it and can see the horizon beyond where it lay and where it grows and nothing is making sense but that is pretty much how my life is right now not making sense and it doesnt matter as long as i can help someone and be a blessing in their lives isnt that the bottom line and why do i picture in my head right now my dad standing behing me off to the right telling me i cant do this and that this is all wrong and you cant do what your doing and yet i continue to do exactly what im doing im doing it all wrong and he isnt really here this is what is so disturbing im not doing anything imorally wrong but just rambling my words together it just doesnt matter whatever it may come out and why do i allways think of tractors all the time im getting tired of those and i need to think outside the box i need to think of twigs and trees and little leaves that get trumpled down everyday when monsters walk amoung them trampling stumping and stepping everything grinding them into the ground and isnt this the point of society to keep grinding everything down i need to add the word grinding to my favorite list of words and i feel i have a little something in my right eye its making me tear up and i can open it up completely i think im still a little sleepy and i feel i shouldnt be because its 0915 hours right now and i should be fully productive because im not and why did i have to bring productive up because it reminds me of how not im productive and how not i dont amount to much and i have to get out of this negative thinking and im wondering how much longer i have to write because it is starting to drag im not sure i can do this in one sitting my right eye is getting worse and now i have it closed and i need to turn off the fan or change the fan it crap i have a little over nine minutes to go ive only a little over half and can i keep doing this im tired and i want to quit and go home oh wait i am home that is where i am typing this nonsense now and you can see this isnt going anywhere but i dont care i just want to get these nothing words out of me so hopefully next time i write i have something to say something worthwhile to read and why did i buy that typewriter that was really stupid i like them but i havent used it much because i am always on my computer and nothing worthwhile to say or do and i cant stop typing that is the worse i keep wiping my right eye and its better but not the way is should be and isnt that they way it is with life not perfect but we make the best from it we get up and face the day no matter what it is and i have to stop thinking that i have it rough or i am having a bad day it doesnt matter but i am not having a bad day i am having a good day and now i am looking at the little table that i have set up just beside my desk and i wonder why it will fit the way it will and what about this saturday we want to go out for breakfast but we just want to be by ourselves  and its awkward because i know he will want to come along we just want to eat breakfast and then leave and pick up the groceries at walmart and go home not sit around there and talk for two to three hours afterward it is so long not that we have anything pressing at home to do and that reminds me that when we go and and order our groceries we need to schedule them earlier than what we normally do we need to get on that right away and now i only have a little more than two minutes to go and i am not sure if these so called morning pages are doing me any good but Julia Cameron said they would so ok then she is a highly succesfull writer than i will ever be so there is that and so i must plod along and see why nothing fits into the sockets of life and maybe just maybe i will get a connection sure it might be from afar like another planet maybe another specie and maybe i will discover what Steven Speildberg discovered all along that there are aliens walking amoungst our galaxies and we need to reach out and see what they have to say as soon as we get the ali…..

TIMER END.

my words im leaving behind on thursday september 20 2018

i’ve got to quit making up
conversations
that don’t exist
i cant stop
i love it to much
it keeps me company
so i dont go nutty.

they judge me
tell me i’m no good
apparantly
i need to remind myself
of this constantly.
this is good for me
because it gives me
something to shoot for
to become better
than i was before
to improve
therefore
you can visually improve
on seeing the change in me
to get better
from your
sorry self

through my sorry self
i can help you
get
better.

***

you assume
i sweetened the coffee
just because i said
it’s pumpkin spice flavored
but the joke is on
you
there is no
sweetness
to be found………………………………………………..on the horizon.

***

i like the idea
of polished coins
i believe i would feel
RICH
even though the reality
doesn’t show
that i am.
but oh that feeling
isn’t that what we really want?

***

stop talking
and
do

i cant remind you
enough
of this:
truth

action is what makes it happen
nothing else.

***

you don’t have to
read
anything you don’t want
don’t forget this
read only want you want to read.

***

thats what you should paint
like that artist
now thats a great painting
wow great color

i cant
because im to stupid
why are you so mean?

***

growing up
before we would fly
my mom would clean the house
make the beds:
crisp tight sheets.

why mom?

because if the plane were to go
d
o
w
n
our house wouldn’t look messy
when our loved ones
take over our earthly possesions.

when young:
i was scared.

i would wait until my mom was out
and just before we would leave the house
id run back into my room
mess up a corner of my bed
hoping that if my bed wasn’t neat
there would be no one to come for my things
because the plane would keep flying.

Now:
how stupid
as if it would matter to us then.

only thing that will:
whatismyrelationshipwiththeMessiah?

***

he told his grown girls
he had it hard growing up
had to walk up a hill
in freezing snow and rain
5 miles one way.

they visited his house
where the father grew up
and measured the distance
with their car.

it was a hard ½ mile one way.
it was up a hill, so there is that.

***

be thankful you don’t have a good memory.
i do
its not perfect
but a lot of it is intact

why do i spend so much time
churning the bad
instead of the good

i think i can melt it away
by eating a bowl of icecream

once addicted to sugar
always addicted to sugar

i crave sugar

i think its the only source of happiness
and that’s terrifying!

***

i need to choose
better:
living
attitude
thoughts

no more excuses.

***

ive been turned off
by dreaming
so few have come true

i dreamt of marrying my wife
i’m glad that came due

all the others havent
i need to dream more.

***

i hate buying flowers
spending money
on blooms of colors
that die

dont we have enough of death?

***

being interviewed with Oprah
about my book on poetry.

the cameras are rolling

im a very bottom line kind of guy
i like getting to the point
im not going to be a great person to interview
can you please ask me questions
that syphon the details out
so i may bless the people
who are listening?

***

i picture the thought
jamming against the left side of my mind
i only want to remember
the thin blades of green grass
cool air
not my dad yelling at me.

***

what is on the horizon?
jagged snow capped mountains
low humid air
breathing in the log cabin
waiting for the cattle to cross
dusty roads of tumbleweeds rolling.

***

good positive thoughts
a choice
i need to make daily

***

moving on the ladder
doesnt matter                                up.
only if you are going

***

when you wake up
speak this outloud:
thank you God
I AM ALIVE!

***

i love birds
feathers of all the
colors of the sun
airborne

***

it is 1548 hours
i am craving
sugar.

my words i’m leaving behind on wednesday september 19 2018

what do i want to write today?
words
i find it helps if i put
little bits of them on
a single line
i like writing fake poetry
its not
its just words
in short little lines
its easier for this
dyslexic to think
cleaner
i want to write a post apocalyptic
story
about rebuilding the world
a small segment of it
but its to big
im tired
i don’t feel like it
i have all day
im unemployed
my wife works
supports me
terrible
i think that makes me a
loser
this is depressing
how many piles of waste
from the war can you rumage through
and how are you really going to rebuild?
i think we would have to go to other countries
this time
we can be the imigrants
we can sneak through the borders
and see the angry technology
that crushed our hopes and dreams
flatened homes
businesses
lives
the problem with free writing is
i have to keep going i cant stop
i hate not stopping
because i want to feel
sorry for myself
but i want to write free verse poetry
thats what i really want to do
but i don’t think i’m smart enough for that
because i’m HSP highly sensitive person
poor baby me
this helps
drawing words on virtual paper
thank goodness i didn’t have to cut down
another tree for this post
i’ve killed enough of trees
in all my real smooth
cream paper notebooks
A5 size
my favorite
my fountain pens
laying down but i dont use them
that much
i like my pilot G-2
it’s push button
and delivers 1.0mm of
slick thick ink
all over my papers
no wonder i love it
if the light hits it just right
its, oh so awkward to type
but its
oh, uhmm
so sexy
not really i think the sexy part
is just an illusion
it appears to be that way
but it really isn’t
yeah i love poetry
i want to invent a new style of poetry
for people like me
who can’t write
i’m calling it
free write poetry
like free writing
but without the work
its for lazy writers
like myself
how long can 15 minutes be?
good gobly goo
i feel like ive been writing
for a long time non stop
but thats it when it comes
right down to it
its poetry
why
because:
i’m a bottom-line
kind of guy
i don’t like fluff
tell me something
without the details
just tell it to me straight
don’t use fluff
the fluff causes to many
pretty pictures in my mind
and i can’t concentrate
because then i have to think
and draw all those images out
in my mind and by the time i’m
done
i don’t know where i’m at
i’m lost.
thats when i get fristrated
and want to quit
and slam the book shut
and throw it away
i want poetry
for people like me
that don’t need the imagery
its to much
for my mind
it takes to much
energy to digest it
and to think it
through
the long tunnel
i don’t want to have to go through
the tunnel
i want to turn around
and take the bypass
around
climb up the mountain
so i can see the sunshine
and sky
blue
clouds
white, grey
nothing but flowers all
around me
this helps to just write
this crap down
no matter how bad it is.

***

at his age
dad forgets
tells the same story
over and over

tells the same story
over and over

tells the same story
over and over

tells the same story
over and over

tells the same story
over and over

tells the same story
over and over

***

i used to be an
abstract artist
painted
wooden panels
pre-stretched canvases
hot pressed paper
no more
i try again and again
i fail again and again
i quit.

***

i don’t want to think
about the words
i just want to draw them